The Italian edition of Truth Serum which was published a few years ago featured not only pages and pages of what appeared to be gibberish, but a bonus-story detailing the origin of Ecrofni Aptac, Captain Force's evil twin. And now, after countless fans have begged for it to be published in English, it is here. Rejoice, loyal minions, your prayers have been answered!IMPULSIVE
When I awoke this morning, it was with a new vigor; a new zest for life that I couldn't recall ever feeling. The depression that had been weighing me down for the past few years was gone, and I realized that everything wasnít so hopeless. For once my purpose in life seemed clear. I finally had a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I realized that Iím Captain Forceís evil twin.
All the signs were there; people were always mistaking me for him in the supermarket, the post office, at the bank. I even got a free coffee at Starbuckís once because they thought I was him. Suckers. And years ago, when I was a Captain Force impersonator at children's birthday parties, they always thought I was really him.
The first thing I had to do was come up with a name. A cool name too. Something to really make me sound awesome. Captain Deathforce? It sounded sweet, but I Googled it and thereís a guy in Rockville with that name. Then it hit me. Ecrofni Aptac! His name, only backwards. How perfect!
But now what was my plan? What exactly does an evil twin do, anyway? I tried to remember what I knew about evil twins. Iíd seen a few on TV. There was Marlenaís evil twin on Days of Our Lives (played by Deidre Hallís real-life twin sister), and then Garth, Michael Knightís evil twin on Knight Rider (played by David Hasselhoff). Every evil twin I could think of always tried to kill the regular twin. So be it. I had to kill Captain Force.
Judging by their examples, it seemed that my first step should be to lure Captain Force into a trap of some sort. But then what? How would I kill him? He's as powerful as Superhim. People have tried to kill Captain Force for years but nobody's done it. Not knowing any of his weaknesses made a plan to kill him very difficult. According to his Friendster profile heís allergic to seafood. But would I be able to stuff seafood in his mouth? Maybe if I filled a cupcake with tuna and left it on his front step. But where does he live? And would it kill him or would he just get a rash? There were so many obstacles I almost wanted to give up.
So I decided to track down some of his enemies to see if they had any suggestions. My cousin Placentaur is a villain. He's never fought Captain Force, but knows some guys who have, and was able to get me in touch with them. First I called Alphalfabet, but the phone just rang and rang and rang. Eventually some lady answered, and said I was calling a pay phone. Hot Air Balloon Man had all sorts of information about what doesnít kill Captain Force, but couldn't tell me what would, other than "maybe a truck or bomb." Finally I spoke to Chuck Nut Charlie, Captain Forceís arch nemesis (second to me, that is). Charlie seemed fairly certain that a gun, if aimed properly, could kill Captain Force.
That's when everything fell into place. I decided I would lure him to me by posing as a jumper, high atop a building. Then hen he would show up to save me, but I would step aside and push him over the edge. Then as he begins to fly to safety and is momentarily distracted, I will shoot him. I need to remember to bring a tape recorder so I can turn it into an mp3 and have people download it from my website. I also need to remember to get a website. And a gun.
So thatís my master plan. I have to shower first, and dig out my old Captain Force costume that, with a few adjustments, will be perfect. And I need to drop some groceries off at my momís. She hasnít been able to get out of the house in a while. She says itís her hip, I say itís the alcohol.